‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ Kolsch and ‘Purple Gas’ Ale by Big Rock Brewery 

Incoming shit show! It’s been a while since I dropped a steamy coiler review, so a friend gave me these because he knew (and I knew) how repulsive these beers are. I’m reviewing them both at the same time because they just don’t deserve any better.

Both of these atrocities have been eyeballing me menacingly from the back of my fridge for a few months now, because I know that attempting to drink and review them is going to be as painful as ramming toothpicks under my finger nails while being forced to cheer for the Patriots with U2 on loop in the background. The exaggeration is both real and for comedic effect. Even Phil Simms couldn’t come up with a stupider way to describe the pain of this impending ‘exbeerience’.

Fucking brilliant.

My saliva glands have dried up in anticipation/protest. Here we go… *plugs nose, deep breath*

Rhinestone

The pour is a perfectly clear, urine-yellow with no head or lacing.

The smells are apple sauce, and.. That’s it… OK. If it tastes the same I might be not horrified.

The tastes are wheat, alcohol, and light floral hops, has a weird metallic ring on the finish that’s largely unpleasant. At a booming 4.6%, the alcohol really stands out for some reason.

The mouthfeel is typical lager-style, light and airy. Alcohol burns on the back of the throat.

2/5 Pretty shitty. Not much to say other than that. Tastes like metal and weak beer, I’d rather have a Budweiser 100%. That’s as complimentary as I can be here.

Similar reaction to stupid Phil Simms.

If this gets any points, it’s probably because the label is kinda cool. The font and color are nice. Other than that, I can’t imagine calling a beer purple gas has any real marketability to it unless you’re the 90s Joker.

Crying at the thought of drinking this beer.

The name actually comes from gas that was sold to farmers with reduced taxes in the prairies up until the end of the 90s. The gas was marked with purple dye and was up to 9 cents per litre cheaper than consumer gas, and it was discontinued largely due to greedy fuckers using it outside of the intended commercial purposes. So there you go, yet again, a sweet deal is ruined by a few greedy assholes. Now why would I want to drink a beer named after cheap gasoline? Here’s a hint: I DON’T.

Purple Gas

The pour is a perfectly clear mid-amber with no head or lacing.

The smells are very faint dusty basement and oil based paints. Like an old artists basement I suppose. Surprisingly does not smell like gasoline, so yay?

The tastes are holiday candles, burnt sugar, and some godawful berry flavor that as horrible as it is obscure. Nasty. What the fuck happened here? Who made this, tested it, and thought “Yeah, that’s a good beer”? Atrocious.

The mouthfeel is light and sticky. The disgusting flavor of ‘wtf berry’ clings way longer than I wanted it to. I had to use mouthwash to expunge the demonic afterglow of waxy holiday candles.

1.5/5 Straight down the sink, that was a fucking car crash in a can. Repugnant. Big Rock should stick to.. Uh.. Large boulders I guess. Beer just isn’t working out for you guys. Pick this up if you are masochistic or hate your friends. Maybe a decent (literal) gag gift.

My face when.

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