‘Dark Matter’ by Hoyne Brewing 


*throwback review, doesn’t necessarily match my current format*

I seen some Randy (random person) online going off about this beer and how it changed his life by altering the time continuum or something. I distinctly remember The Berenstein Bears being spelled with a damn E so SOMETHING changed in the time line. That and Nelson Mandela died in prison. The Mandela effect.


"Oh fuck off"

In fact, a lot of people give this brew rave reviews. Let’s see if it spins my world around (right round like a record baby, round, round, round, square). 

The label is pretty damn cool looking, what with the whole space thing. Dark matter, auroras, stars.. It’s as though there is some type of theme here. The beer pours nearly black, as to be expected, with a negative head. There is no head. Or I poured too perfectly. No fucks were given, either way. 


The math checks out.

Smells mostly of burnt coffee. Taste is much the same, dark chocolate and burnt coffee with a tiny hit of grassy hop at the finish. This is completely underwhelming. It is not bitter at all but seems to suffer from a harsh taste of the confectioners chocolate. It tastes almost like manufactured cold steel.

Space is infinitely more interesting that this weak ale. This is a black hole beer, void of any redeeming quality. 

The FINAL frontier. 
These are the voyages of the VanBrewverite.
His continuing mission, to explore strange new draughts. 
To seek out new Pils and new Hefeweizens. 
To boldly drink beer that might completely suck ass. 

2/5 Captains log, Star date 93221.81. Although I was able to finish the beer, it was completely lacking in my opinion. I didn’t like that at all, and can’t understand why so many people seem to love it. Perhaps different strokes for something something. Barkersville makes a better brown ale by at least a furlong.


Yea I said it.


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